I would love some resources on what and when to teach kids about sex. When is it okay for kids to see consenting, covered naked adults in bed vs nudity and sexual violence?

Here’s the full question: As the parent of a toddler and a newborn, and given all the pearl clutching in the U.S. over what kids are taught about sexual health, I would love some medical/educational-expert vetted resources on what  and when to teach kids about sex. What's the right age and presentation method for body parts, relationships, consent, safe sex, etc. I would also love some guidance (yours or others) on what media kids are exposed to; when is it okay for kids to see (or be in the same room while parents watch) consenting, covered naked adults in bed (Ted Lasso) vs Game of Thrones nudity and sexual violence (I assume- I haven't actually watched any) and anything in between.

Great question, and you’re definitely not the only parent out there who’s wondering about this.

I want to start by saying this -  forget about having “the talk” with your kids. There’s no one sit down talk where you’re going to cover everything and that’s it, it’s done. Instead think of it as a series of conversations over years. Conversations that provide age appropriate information, and more importantly, ones that demonstrate that you’re willing to have uncomfortable conversations with them. Kids know when they can talk to their parents about sensitive topics. What you want to do is focus on creating a relationship with them early where they know they can talk to you.

In terms of what and when we should teach sexuality content to students in schools SIECUS has created guidelines for comprehensive sexuality education. You can find them here. While written for schools, I think these can be helpful for parents to gain an understanding of when to talk about sex with their kids at home.

For learning how to talk to them, I think that amaze.org has great resources for both parents and kids.

And if there’s a specific question about a topic or how to address it that I don’t cover in this post, reach out to me!

For body parts we want to start young. When we don’t use the proper names for body parts, it sends the message that there’s something shameful about that part, and that that’s something we want to avoid. Not having the correct language can make it harder for kids to tell us when someone has touched their genitals in a way that is uncomfortable or inappropriate.

Having the right words also makes it easier for them to have discussions with their doctors and other health care professionals, as both minors and later as adults.

When it comes to safer sex one of things that we often hear from kids is that they got the  information too late for it to be useful. SIECUS recommends having conversations with kids about this starting at age 12. It doesn’t mean that you’re encouraging them to start hormonal contraception, or that you need to  take them condom shopping. What you’re doing is laying the groundwork for them to come to talk to you later if they have questions. And if you bring it up first, it can make them more comfortable bringing it up to you later, or to their health care professionals.

Consent is something that should be introduced early, really early! And it’s not just about sexual consent. It’s about the idea that a person has the right to give people permission to do things to their body. Like hugging someone.

I believe that a child has the right to decide whether or not they want to hug a family member. When a kid says no to a hug, or turns away, we need to respect that decision. It helps them learn that they have control over their body and it models consent.

And modeling is important for many topics.

As a parent you already know that kids are wonderful at mimicking what they see and hear. This means that demonstrating open communication, respect for others, and disagreements being managed well, can help to teach kids about healthy relationships.

Now  I’m not saying you need to be perfect in your relationships. We all do and say things out of anger, frustration and exhaustion. If that happens, it’s a great opportunity to have a conversation with your child about what happened.

And that’s what I usually tell parents about kids and media – it can provide great opportunities for conversations.

If you’re concerned about questionable content, make sure you watch it first so you know what’s coming. That can help you decide what you feel comfortable with your kid seeing. I can’t give you specific age guidelines on what they should watch when. A lot of it depends on your comfort with that they’re seeing, and your morals and values.

The content from Ted Lasso, covered naked adults in bed, might be appropriate for tweens and early teens. I would suggest watching it together and pausing it to have a conversation about what they’re seeing.

Sexual violence in media is a whole different thing. What you need to keep in mind is that our brains aren’t fully matured until we’re 25. If a child is watching sexually violent content, they won’t be able to process it the way adults do. They may not understand what it is that they’re seeing. And they may struggle with the imagery itself. I would advise holding out until their late teens to let them watch content like that.

Keep in mind that while you might set guidelines in your house, kids may be seeing content like that elsewhere. It’s impossible to monitor everything they see. What you want to do is encourage open communication with them. You want to create a relationship where they know that they can come talk to you about things they’ve seen that they don’t understand, or stuff that bothers them.

Remember, this is a series of conversations. They may be awkward, you may stumble a bit, but what you’re doing is creating a lifelong relationship with your child where they know they can come to you.

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

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