What Would You Tell Someone Who Was Worried About Their "Biological Clock Ticking"?

This is a really tough question. Normally when I get a question about having children, I often start by asking the person if they even want to be a parent.

Some people are really thrown off by this question, because they live in a world where the expectation is that you’re “supposed” to have children. But not everyone wants to have children. And as our culture is changing, we see more and more people who are choosing to be childless. Some studies show that about 20% of people report that they don’t ever want to have kids. This might not seem like a high number, but it’s definitely higher than it was even a decade ago.

There is a lot that’s changing around parenthood in the United States. Not only  do we see people choosing to be childfree, but there are also those who are choosing to parent as either single parents, or to co-parent with a person who is not a romantic partner. This is sometime called platonic co-parenting.  What does that look like? It’s two people who are often friends, who are not in a romantic relationship with each other but who really want to be parents. And so they choose to have a child and raise it together.

This often looks very different from the co-parenting we see among divorced couples. In many of those situations there are negative feelings which can make the co-parenting process a challenge. But for people who choose to platonic co-parent it is often a much more positive situation for everyone involved.

This might not be an option for everyone. For people who believe that parenting should happen within a marriage, not having gotten married may lead to concern about their biological clock ticking.

I love that this question was asked in a non-sex specific way, so let me talk about how the biological clock issue may impact men and women (when I use those terms I’m talking about sex assigned at birth).

For men, there may not be as strong a feeling of a biological clock ticking. The reason for this is that  barring illness or injury that prevents sperm from being produced, a man can produce viable sperm until he dies. So the pressure he might feel is less about running out of time, and more about wanting to be a father at a certain age.

But it’s important to note that while men can produce viable sperm through his adult life, that doesn’t mean that the quality or quantity will be good enough to be able to get a woman pregnant. Once a man hits mid-30’s the chances of getting someone pregnant start to decline. If this is a concern, he can opt to have his sperm frozen. This process can get expensive, and the sperm don’t always survive the thawing process.

For women, there is a similar concern about the impact of age. Once a woman turns 30 her ability to get pregnant starts to decline. Starting in her mid-30s it will start to decline quickly. If she does get pregnant after 35 there is an increase in the rate of miscarriage. There is also an increase in the rate of genetic abnormalities of babies born to women who are 35 and older.

For some women the biological clock issue may be less about time running out, and more about timing in general. She may want to get pregnant but doesn’t want to do so now. There could be many reasons for this. Maybe her relationship doesn’t feel stable enough to have a child. Maybe her career and/or education is her primary focus. Maybe she isn’t 100% sure she wants kids and doesn’t want to rush into becoming a mom. Maybe there are health conditions that would make getting pregnant now difficult or even life-threating.  

For a woman who may want to become pregnant later, and is concerned about being able to do so, freezing her eggs may be an option. But there are two really important things to think about.

The first is that this process can be expensive. To begin with, you have to have the eggs removed and frozen, which can cost several thousand dollars. And insurance may not cover any of this. Then the eggs need to be stored, which there is a fee for. Then there is a fee for the process of unfreezing them and then inseminating and implanting them. This can get very costly.

This may not be an option for people because of their financial situation, and/or they may not have access to these facilities because of where they live. There may also be religious / cultural issues. Not all religions and cultures support the idea of using Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART).

It’s also important to keep in mind that this process will often not succeed. There may be problems getting a fertilized egg to implant. And even if implantation happens, she may not be able to carry the pregnancy to term.

Quick side note – one of the things that often gets pushed to the side during discussions of fertility and becoming a parent is that of adoption. So let me just point this out. There are over 100,000 children in the US who are waiting to be adopted.

The bottom line is that if someone is really concerned about their biological clock ticking, I would encourage them to think about what’s important to them. Do they want to be a parent now if they maybe can’t become one later? Will they be supported by friends and family if they choose to freeze their egg or sperm? How do they feel about non-traditional ways of parenting?

Once they have looked at all their options, I would encourage a person to make the decision that feels best for them.

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

Have a question you want answered? Submit it here: https://milsteinhealthconsulting.com/heydrsue