Can A Person Ever "Earn" The Right To Know About Your Sexual Orientation?

This is a fascinating question!

As I’ve been thinking about the answer, the thing I keep coming back to is this idea of “earning” the right to know. For me, and I want to be very clear that this is my opinion, it’s less about earning the right and more about how the individual feels in terms of safety and security.

Let’s use a fictional person for this, and let’s call her Abigail. If Abigial was dating a man but identified as bisexual, I think it would be up to Abigail to determine when she wanted to tell the boyfriend. She might be worried about how he would react. If she was afraid he would be hostile, or violent, or hate filled, she might wait to tell him. Though if she was worried about that I would wonder why she was with him in the first place. There’s a lot that’s misunderstood about the bisexual community, so I could understand Abigail’s reluctance to come out. But if you’re in a relationship with someone I would think that part of being intimate is sharing the sides of you that not everyone gets to see.

It's important to keep in mind that coming out is not the same for everyone. Bisexual people are actually less likely to come out then gay men or lesbians. This is often because of discrimination. And that discrimination is not just from straight folks but also from those in the gay community. Bi-erasure and biphobia are often not spoken about but can have a major impact on if or when a bisexual person comes out.

Now when it comes to what you tell your roommates I think that’s a bit different. I don’t think I have the right to know everything about a future roommate’s personal life. I personally think I should know about things that are going to impact me and our living situation. And I don’t think that someone’s orientation falls into that category.

And that’s where things become complicated. There are still people that feel that anyone who isn’t straight is going to hell. Those people may feel they have the right to know that they’re living with a “sinner.” In that situation I think it again comes down to safety and security. Would you be willing to hide your orientation in order to live in a specific place? Would you feel comfortable hiding who you are from people you’d be living with? Maybe hiding that side of yourself is worth it because it means you can move out of your current living situation. Or maybe it would allow you to move somewhere more affordable or in a more convenient location. Only you can decide if it’s worth it to keep that side of yourself hidden in that situation.

The decision about who to come out to is complicated. The only thing I would advise someone to keep in mind when making this decision is that for some people, finding out your orientation later down the line might create a sense of distrust. For example, Abigail’s boyfriend might wonder why she waited so long to open up to him, and that might make him worry about what else she is hiding. Your roommates may take it personally that you didn’t trust them at first.

But with all that said, it’s 100% your decision about who to come out to and when.

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

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