My Body Count Bothers Me

This week’s question isn’t really a question. But I wanted to make sure I addressed because this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten something like this either at a live event or through my website.

When I bring this kind of thing up in class my students usually say the answer is to just lie about your number.

The problem is that that’s not really an answer. Lying about it doesn’t really change it, and more importantly it doesn’t change how you feel about it.

The problem I’m having trying to come up with an answer is that I don’t know if the person is bothered because it’s too low, or too high

So let me give some suggestions for both situations.

Body count is “too high”

If you’re bothered by your body count being too high, ask yourself why you think it’s “too high.” Is it too high compared to others? While I could give you some numbers on what the average number of sexual partners is based on age and gender, those numbers aren’t always so accurate for many reasons.

Not everyone defines sexual partner the same way. For some it’s how many people you’ve had penile-vaginal intercourse with. But what about oral sex? Anal sex? I’ve had some pretty religious students in my class who say that when they kiss someone, they consider them part of their number.

Another reason why that number isn’t so accurate is because sometimes people forget what they did. If you just started being sexually active (however you define that) maybe that number is easy to figure out. But if you’ve been sexually active for years, or decades, you might not remember every person you were with. Throw in the fact that if you were under the influence your memory may not be spot on.

The last reason why those numbers aren’t so accurate is that people may lie. They may inflate their number because they want to seem more experienced, or they might lower their number because they feel embarrassed or afraid that they’ll be judged.

And let me point out that we often don’t include gender diverse folks in sex research, so there’s a serious lack of data for anyone who identities as trans, or gender nonbinary. This can be good if you’re nonbinary,  because you may not feel pressure based on other people’s numbers. But it’s also bad because it’s just another example of how sex research hasn’t always been inclusive.

So before you start comparing yourself to numbers from an online source, or even friends, keep in mind that those numbers aren’t a great tool for comparison.

Are you bothered by the number because someone made you feel bad for it being “too high?” If so, I’d be a little concerned about who that person is, and why they’re in your life. I often hear about this reaction from two types of people.

One is a potential partner. So let me ask you this - do you really want to be with someone who is going to judge you for your past? Is that not a bit of a red flag?

The other type of people are health care workers. I’ve worked with everyone from college aged folks up though people in their 80s. And regardless of age, I’ve heard stories about how judgmental some health care workers are. They’ve told me how they felt judged and shamed. If you can’t be honest with a health care worker because you’re afraid of being judged, please find another provider.

If you’re bothered by your number because it reflects choices you’ve made that you’re happy with, then that’s a whole different thing. It’s easy to judge ourselves after the fact. Maybe you shouldn’t have slept with Person A, but maybe doing so felt good in the moment, and helped meet a need. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself when looking back at what you did, but also try and use those past decisions to help you make better choices in the future.

If you feel good in the moment when you hook up with someone, but shame and embarrassment after, then think about which is more important to you. The pleasure in the moment, or the feeling after.

But it doesn’t always have to be one or the other. Ask yourself this - is there a way to have both? Is there a way to get your needs met without doing something you’ll feel bad about later on?

Body count is “too low”

If your body count is “too low”, I would start with the same question I asked earlier for “too high.” Who are you comparing yourself to, and are those numbers accurate?

If a potential partner is making fun of you because your number is “too low,” then is that someone you really want to be with?

If it’s about your lack of experience and/or a desire to be with more people, what’s standing in your way of doing that?

Is it a lack of potential partners? Do you get nervous or afraid when getting close to someone, either emotionally or physically? Do you find that you’re struggling to find someone you click with that you would feel comfortable having sex with?

Some people are afraid of being judged by a partner if they’re sexually inexperienced, and that makes them shy away from sexual activity. Some people have had sexual trauma and getting close with someone triggers them.

Once you figure out what some of the barriers may be, it can make it easier to address them. But I would encourage you to stop comparing yourself to others. It won’t make you feel any better about yourself and won’t help you move forward in any way.  

Bottom line

I’d love to say just forget the number and you be you. But the bottom line is that how we think about body count is heavily influenced by the people and culture around us. Sadly, the double standard of men being praised for high body count and women being shamed for it, hasn’t really changed. This can lead to shame and judgment from others… all based on a number? Does that seem right?

Before you get too bothered by your body count, ask yourself why you feel bad and what you can do to make yourself more comfortable with who you are and the choices you make.

Until next, be safe and have fun!

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