Why Do I Like Consensual Non-Consensual Sex?

There are quite a few times when I get anonymous questions when I really wish I could ask some follow up questions. This is definitely one of those times!

I’m going to take my best guess as to what this means based off questions I’ve gotten at live events. If I miss the mark, please submit another question.

In surveys, the majority of all people, regardless of gender, report that they have rape fantasies.

But when we talk to people about these fantasies, it’s not about rape, it’s really about the idea of being controlled and giving up power.

Rape and being submissive are two different things. Rape and other types of sexual assault are violent crimes without the person’s consent. Wanting to give up power and have someone dominate you is not the same thing. And the fact that you started the question by saying that it was consensual shows that you’re okay with being dominated.

There are many reasons why people like being dominated. One is because it frees them to allow them up to enjoy what’s happening. This is especially true if you’re female. Many women in this country have been taught that they’re not supposed to enjoy sex, and to not be sexually aggressive. But if things are happening to you that you “can’t control” then you don’t have to worry so much about being judged for what you’re doing.  

Some research indicates that the more powerful you are in life outside the bedroom, the more likely you are to enjoy being submissive in the bedroom (or dungeon, or whatever room your sex play happens in). Having someone else dominate you allows you to not have to be in control of everything that is happening. And when you’re the one in charge of every other aspect of your life, giving up that power and responsibility during sex play can be freeing.

From the way you phrased the question, “consensual non-consensual”, I’m guessing (hoping) that you’re having conversations with your partner beforehand about boundaries. Coming up with safe words and/or safe actions will help keep things consensual. Check out this story for more about safe words.

If you’re not already doing it, I would encourage you to do some aftercare when the sex play is done. This is when you and your partner check in with each other, and make sure everyone is comfortable with what happened. If you want to know more about after care, submit a question here, or check out this TedTalk.

Until next, be safe and have fun!

Have a question you want answered? Submit it here: https://milsteinhealthconsulting.com/heydrsue