Is It A Common Trait In Guys To Be Different Before Their Girlfriends And Friends?

Let me share the whole question:

My boyfriend acts like a so horny and a sexist guy infront of his friends that he's just a casual guy while with me he's emotionally attached in all best ways and also takes care if I'm comfortable while we sext. And he said we'd stay away from sex until marriage and he is still the same. But I have self doubts. I'm afraid that the character he shows infront of his friends is real or fake ..Am I getting fooled by showing his good side..and all his friends might be thinking I've fallen in his trap and I'm that type of girl too.

I don't know I'm always concerned about this issue in my relationship. I hate the fact that he's not decent. (I tell him to change your portrayal to the world. I don't want everyone to be complaining against my boyfriend, to leave him, to question my choice that why did you even choose him) please give an answer. I need this advice very badly. What do u think I should believe. Is this a common trait in guys to be different before their girlfriends and friends?

Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to this one when it comes to what you should believe. Let me shed some light on why he might be doing what he’s doing and offer you suggestions for what to do.

But this trait of guys acting differently when they’re with their friends compared to with their girlfriends is very common.

And it’s not just men! Women do it to.

Let me introduce you to a concept called code switching. Code switching is when we change how we talk, the language we use, and even some of our nonverbals depending on who we're with. It's one of the things that makes it easier to fit in to different groups.

And men and women, generally, do have different ways of interacting in front of each other. In some men's groups being sexist and acting the way you've described is expected. So it could be that your boyfriend is acting like that to be able to fit in easily with his male friend group.

I’ve seen women who are in very happy committed relationships with their male partners, engage in horrible man bashing when they’re with their girlfriends. Because that’s the expected behavior.

For some people it’s a work thing. People may speak differently when they’re at work than when they’re out with friends. They may use a different accent, or change the speed they speak at, or avoid certain phrases.

Sometimes we do this with family.

For some people they may make a concerted effort to make this change given who they’re interacting with. For others, they may not even be aware they do it.

So the question is, which is the real person? And there’s no simple answer to that.

Is your boyfriend really the guy he’s with when he’s with his friends, acting all sexist and horny? Or is the real him the person who is emotionally attached to you, who takes care of you, who makes you feel comfortable?

I have no way of knowing for sure, and neither do you.

Let me throw out a few suggestions for how to handle this. And remember that it is very common for people to act differently in front of their friends than they do with their partners.

Option 1 is to believe that the person he is when he is with you is who he really is. And that like many other people, he just acts differently when he’s with his friends. But it sounds like you're not really happy with that option because it makes you question who he is.

Option 2 is to talk to him and explain all the things you've said to me. Tell him that it makes you question who he is. That how he acts is putting you in a place where your friends are questioning whether or not you should stay with him. That’s it causing you to doubt, not just your relationship, but also yourself.

The problem is that it may make him feel like he has to choose between you and his friends. He may see nothing wrong with changing how he acts when he's with his friends. Especially if he really does value you and your relationship.

The last option is to decide that you’re just not comfortable enough in this relationship to stay. That if he doesn’t understand that how he acts with his friends is causing problems between the two of you, then you don’t feel like he’s serious about you.

Know that all of these options have risks. You may risk staying in a relationship because you trust the person he is when he’s with you. And it may be that that isn’t really who he is the end.

Or you could end the relationship and then find out that the emotionally attached person that he was when he was with was the true him.

I can’t really help you choose, because I know so little about the two of you and your relationship.

If I had to pick, I would suggest option 2. Have a very honest conversation with him about your concerns. And listen. Really listen to what he says.

And then you decide. Check in with your gut and your heart and see what they say. If your gut is saying that who he is when he's with you is really who he is, and you're willing to stay knowing that there's a risk you're wrong, then stay.

But if your gut is saying that who he is with you is the front, that he really is that sexist horny guy that you described in your question, then it might be best for you to leave.

I hope this helps.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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