Why Do Guys Act Different When They’re Around Their Friends Then They Do When They’re With Their Girlfriends?
I have to admit I’ve gotten questions like this before, and while it’s often true, I think it gives men a bad rap.
Regardless of gender, most people act differently when they’re around their friends than when they’re with their partners. Why? Because we have different rules and expectations for different relationships. Think about it, do you act the same way around your parents as you do when you’re with your friends?
And how about your really close friends? Do you act differently with them than you do with your acquaintances or your co-workers? Different relationships mean different levels of intimacy, which means you’re going to act differently. We all do it, so why is it often the men who get called out for this type of behavior?
One reason may be because of how we expect men to act. In this country we tend to socialize men to be tough and unemotional and so the friendships that they often develop with other men are based on these roles and ideas.
When they’re with their partner, guys may have a different level of emotional attachment that allows them to be more vulnerable. And that vulnerability is great… when they’re with their partner.
If it really bothers you talk to your partner about it, but understand that you’re putting them in a potentially uncomfortable situation where they’re going to have to try juggling two sides of themselves in order to maintain multiple important relationships.
And before you have that conversation with your partner, ask yourself what it is that bothers you. Are they doing something particular when they’re with their friends that makes you uncomfortable? Is it that they’re saying things that make you uncomfortable, or just the change in personality?
As I type this I’m thinking about one couple I know where the guy partner tends to make incredibly sexist remarks when with his guy friends and that upsets his female partner. In a situation like this, or another where they’re doing or saying something specific, then you definitely need to talk to them, but do it privately.
But if you think about it and you realize you’re just upset by the fact that they’re different when they’re around their friends, than maybe this is a more of a you issue than a him issue.
Here’s the thing, when we talk about relationships most people automatically think of romantic ones, but we have so many relationships in our lives that are important in different ways.
Can your partner be a sexual/romantic partner and be your best friend? Sure. Does that mean they don’t need to have other friendships? Absolutely not! We cannot expect one person to give us everything that we need, which is why our friendships outside of our partners are so important.
So before you ask your partner to change how they act with their friends, ask yourself if it’s fair to ask them to change those other relationships just for the sake of yours.
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