Why Is The Term "Losing Your Virginity" Bad?
Thanks – I’m glad someone asked! The person who submitted this question did so in response to a comment I made in this post on college virgins.
I’ve never been a huge fan of this term for a lot of reasons. For one, it’s the whole idea that having sex means you have to lose something. For some it may losing your “virginity.” For others it may mean more than just that. Sometimes there’s an implication that once you have sex, you’re not “pure” anymore, or that you’ve “lost your innocence.”
This idea of the loss of something being tied to sex has a huge negative connotation. That can be really challenging for people who live in a society that already shames (some) people for having sex.
And that brings me to my second issue with the term – we don’t apply it the same way to people of different genders. Stereotypically, if you’re a guy and you wait too long to have sex for the first time, then there must be something wrong with you.
If you’re a girl and you lost your virginity “too soon,” well that means you’re a … we all know the words people use in this situation so I don’t really feel the need to write them out.
Women are taught that they lose something after they have sex. That gives the person they’re having sex with a lot of power, and that can take the focus off her.
We live in a society where women’s pleasure and enjoyment during sex are not nearly as valued as that of men’s. When we focus on what the woman is losing by having sex for the first time and not what’s she’s gaining from her experience, that makes it easier to create a pattern where she puts the focus on her partner instead of allowing her to center her own pleasure.
The last issue I have with the idea of “losing your virginity” is that it implies vaginal-penile intercourse. This is incredibly heteronormative and yet one more way we exclude those who are LGBTQIA+.
From a sexual health standpoint, my concern is about how far people will go to stay a “virgin.” Whether it’s soaking, or engaging in oral sex or anal sex, there’s the risk of STIs since they’re less likely to use condoms and other barriers in those situations.
Until next time, be safe and have fun!
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