I Am A Woman In My Early 60's And Intercourse Has Just Become Too Painful.

Hi Wincing!

I'm sorry you’re experiencing this, but I’m glad you reached out. I'm guessing you're not the only woman in their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond who's struggling with this.

The first thing I just want to point out is that a normal thing that happens as women age and go through menopause is that the vaginal tissue is going to become less elastic, and your vagina is not going to lubricate as much as it used to. This is one of the reasons why pain during intercourse is one of the most commonly reported sexual concerns for women as they age.

There are some easy ways to try and address this. The first is vaginal lube, which you can buy at many stores in person or online if you prefer. Be careful with this though, because you want to check the pH of the lube.  The pH of a lube isn’t something we usually talk about, although we should because it can have a big impact on your vaginal health.

The pH of the vagina is about 3.8 to 4.5. But after menopause it goes up a bit. So definitely try to find a lube that's going to fall into the right pH level for you. I'm not necessarily recommending a specific one, but some of the KY Jelly products and some of the Astroglide products fall into the right pH range.

Depending on your exact age and when you finished menopause, vaginal estrogen creams might be helpful. There are concerns with age and timing after menopause because that can increase the risk of certain complications. If this might interest you, I would definitely recommend talking to your ob/gyn.

Speaking of doctors, you may want to see if they can recommend a pelvic floor physical therapist for you. While what you’re describing is normal as women age, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t something else going on. And a pelvic floor PT can be really helpful for addressing painful intercourse even if it is a normal part of aging.

No matter if you try over the counter lube, or an estrogen cream, you should definitely be talking to your husband about what’s happening. If he doesn’t know that sex hurts you, I think you need to tell him. I’m guessing that he doesn’t want to hurt you. And if you’ve started pulling away from him to avoid sex, and he doesn’t know what’s happening, he may just feel like you’re pulling away from him. And that can negatively impact your relationship.  

If you are going to try a lube or estrogen cream, you should still talk to your husband. You should talk about slowing things down, and having more check-ins with you as things go on to make sure you’re not in pain.

If you haven’t already, you may want to try different sexual positions. Positions where you can control the depth and speed can be helpful. You being on top might help, but you might find that leaning back can help you control how deep he goes. Another option may be you both lay down, you facing away from him, like he’s spooning you. He can then put his penis inside your vagina from behind you.

If those aren’t options, then play around and find ones that work best for you both.

If you're just not interested in intercourse anymore because it's been so painful for you, I think you need to have a conversation with him about what it is that would help both of you feel good. Would oral sex work? Maybe mutual masturbation?  

There are a lot of options for you to explore and hopefully one of them helps you stop wincing!

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

Have a sex question you want answered? Submit it here: https://milsteinhealthconsulting.com/heydrsue