I Can’t Really Orgasm. I Can On My Own, But Just Not With Someone Else. Is There Something Wrong With Me?

I shortened the original down to a more workable size (damn character limits), but I think its important people get to see the whole question:

Hi Dr. Sue, I have a weird issue. I can’t really orgasm. I can on my own by myself, but just not with someone else, even if it feels amazing. I put a lot of pressure on myself, especially when I’m having sex with my boyfriend because I don’t want to make him feel bad and I also feel like if I do orgasm, it’ll make the sex with us that much better. But I can’t. And it makes having sex not as fun because I am so focused on just trying to orgasm that I often feel defeated after and worry that my boyfriend will resent having sex with me even though he’s made it so clear that he would never and still enjoys when we hook up. I want to orgasm with him so badly to increase our chemistry but I just never do and I don’t know why. Is there something wrong with me? And how do I stop putting so much pressure on myself?

 So there's good news here. And that is that from what you’ve said, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you.

But obviously something is going on. I get your sense of frustration, it reads loud and clear. And I don't know if this helps you, but you are definitely not the only person who's ever been through this. 

Let me introduce you to what may be a new word for you – spectatoring.

Spectatoring is when we take ourselves out of the moment as a participant and kind of watch what’s happening. It means we’re not fully present. This is when you start to get in your own head and start wondering if this is the  time you're going to orgasm. Or wondering why you can’t orgasm. Or any one of a thousand thoughts. The problem with these thoughts is that they stop you from being fully present, and they’re making it less likely that you’ll orgasm. 

One of the things that may be running through your head is this fear that your boyfriend is going to leave you because of this. This thought pattern can not only make it less likely that you’re going to orgasm, but over time it can start to impact your relationship. So if your boyfriend says that he doesn't resent you and that he enjoys hooking up with you, believe him.

Before I talk about another reason you may not be able to orgasm with your boyfriend, I have to admit that I’ve made an assumption that you are female. The reason is because all of the times I’ve had people ask this question, they’ve always been female. Also as a society we tend to tell women that there is “right” way to orgasm and a “wrong” way. The “right” way is during sex with our partner, the “wrong” way is without a partner. And this can make women think there’s something wrong with them because they’re not orgasming the “right” way.

I’m going to keep with this assumption that you’re female. If I made a mistake and you’re not, first off I apologize. Second, reach out and let me know and I’ll answer this again with that in mind.

In case you didn’t know that much about your vulva and vagina, the female genitals are not necessarily designed to enjoy penetrative sex. At least not as much as it does other types of sex play. The majority of a woman’s nerve endings in and around her genitals are in her clitoris. Because the clitoris is on the outside of the body it may not be stimulated during sex.

When you’re masturbating it may be that you’re targeting the clitoris and that why’s it’s so easy for you to orgasm on your own.

So here’s what you need to do if you want to take the pressure off yourself and increase the chances that you’ll orgasm with your boyfriend.

The first is to accept the fact that there’s nothing wrong with you. This is incredibly common for women. We just tend not to talk about it openly.

The second is to believe your boyfriend!

The third is to enjoy what’s happening and stop focusing on having an orgasm.

Hopefully, these will all help you stay in the moment.

The last thing, if you’re comfortable doing it, is to masturbate in front of your boyfriend. Let him see what you do that brings you to orgasm. Then he can try and incorporate some of that into sex and other sex play.

It sounds like absent the orgasm you’re having some pretty amazing sex with a great partner. So try and enjoy that.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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