Is Online Dating Even Worth It?

This question didn't get submitted through my website (though I am absolutely still taking questions through my website). The question came from a live event. I asked for permission to use it for my weekly Q&A and the person said yes, but with one stipulation. She said I had to include that she was a straight woman.

I’ll talk about the gender issue with online dating later. But first, is online dating worth it?

It really depends on what you think “worth it” means. Might you meet your future partner on it? Sure! Depending on what survey you’re looking at anywhere from 27 - 60% of people met their partners through online dating.

So there is definitely potential to meet a long time partner through the apps if that’s your goal.

If your goal is a hook up, then absolutely it can be worth it! Though please keep in mind to be careful when meeting a stranger through an app, especially for a hook up.

But if you know anyone who's been on the apps looking for a long term partner, many will tell you that the whole experience can be frustrating. And this isn’t new. Online dating has always had its ups and downs.

At the beginning of dating apps, or actually I should say dating websites, one of the biggest complaints I would hear is that the people that were on them were not who they said they were. They may have lied about everything from their height and weight, to their age, to the fact that they weren’t actually single.

And that hasn’t gone away. People still misrepresent themselves. They lie about everything from their height and their age, to their job and their education. And sometimes they use old photos, or AI generated photos.

The newer thing I’m hearing about from people who are currently on the apps is that there seem to be a lot of people who claim that they are in ethically non-monogamous relationships (ENM) when in reality, they’re not.

This is not to say that everyone who claims to be in an ENM relationship is lying. But with that said, if something feels off to you about what they’re saying about their current relationships, or their beliefs and values about relationships, or you’re just not into ENM, then its okay to cut off that connection.

The other thing I’m hearing now is about the bots. Fake profiles that are designed to scam you. If you want to know more about how to spot these accounts, just ask and I’ll do a post on it. But quick hint, if they mention buying gold or bitcoin, you should probably unmatch from them.

So after reading all this you may be thinking that online dating isn’t worth it. But it can be, especially if you don’t sink all your free time and energy into it. And it helps to go into it with realistic expectations. The truth is that you’re probably not going to find your perfect match in the first week on a dating app, and you might never ever find your partner on there.

But, if you live in an area where you don't know anyone, dating apps can be a great way of meeting new people. If you've already been introduced to all your friends’ friends than dating apps could be a great way to broaden your social circle.

If you’re LGBT and don’t feel safe being out where you live, apps can be a good way to meet people. It also gives you an opportunity to get to know them a bit better before you meet. This can help you feel safer if you do decide to meet.

And that ability to get to know each other a little more through the app, can help people of all genders and orientations feel safer if they decide to meet in person.

So now onto the gender issue. The frustration with online dating is not necessarily limited to one gender. But what I'm hearing from folks is that straight men don't have nearly as rough a time on dating apps as straight women. Sure, some women that the men connect with can be a little… unwell.

But for straight women, many deal with this quick escalation from a regular conversation to one that is overly and uncomfortably sexual. And then there is this unwarranted nastiness and threats when that escalation is met with rejection. And if that’s been your experience with dating apps, I can see why you would think they’re not worth it.

In the end it’s up to you if you think it’s worth it or not. My advice is to go into online dating with realistic expectations. And know that you can always delete the apps now and come back to them later.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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