If I Choose Not to Have Sex Until Marriage, is There a Way to Ensure We’ll Be Sexually Compatible?

Ensure? No.

There are some things you can do ahead of time to try and get an idea of whether or not you two will be sexually compatible. But there is nothing that you can do to ensure it.

You can start by talking about how you both feel about different aspects of sex play. How do the two of you feel about masturbation? Both solo and in front of each other? How do you two feel about oral sex?

What does “good sex” look like for each of you? If he says that his pleasure is more important than yours, and you’re not okay with that, then that kind of answers your question about compatibility.

You can try and have a conversation about expected frequency of sex, but this can be difficult.

Many couples struggle with desire discrepancy. This is when each person wants sex more or less often than their partner. I’m not talking about one person wants it once a day and the other wants it once every other day. It’s more like one person wants it every day and the other person is happy with once a month.

Desire discrepancy can be an issue at the beginning of a relationship, or it can happen over time. It’s normal for our desire for sex to change, and when yours changes in a way that’s different from your partner that can be a challenge. (There’s a lot more to desire discrepancy, but that’s not what this is about. If you want to know more, just ask!)

The issue for you is that if neither of you are sexually active, so you may not have a clear understanding for what you’ll actually want when you do start having sex. You can maybe both agree to a certain frequency, but then once you start having sex you may find you want a lot more sex than he does, or vice versa.

So having a conversation about that may be good for getting an idea of what you each are thinking, but it might not be the reality after you’re married.

You can also learn a lot about compatibility from how these conversations go. If you try and talk about these things and he refuses to have the conversations, or is condescending or dismissive, then odds are that he’s going to carry that attitude into the bedroom with him.

If when talking about frequency of sex he says that he can have sex with you whenever he wants, or that he expects or demands that you have sex with him a specific number of times a day/week/month, that’s a concern. That would seem to be more of a red flag that this isn’t a healthy relationship, forget about the issue of incompatibility.

If he’s open to these conversations about frequency, what makes sex “good”, and anything else that comes up, and you both feel like you’re able to talk and be heard, and that you feel respected, than that bodes well for how things will be once you’re sexually active.

But again, there’s no guarantee.

I don’t know if the two of you are engaging in any type of sex play right now, or if you’re abstaining from everything. But if you are doing physical stuff and you’re not enjoying it, that can be a warning sign of incompatibility.

Although it’s not a definite sign. While some couples do physically hit it off from the beginning, for other couples it takes time to get to know each other. And to figure out the best ways to pleasure each other.

I will say that if you’re not turned on by him at all right now, whether you’re doing physical stuff or not, then odds are that there’s going to be a compatibility issue.

I encourage you to have conversations with him about your concerns. And pay attention not just to the words that he’s saying, but also how he’s saying them.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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