Been Reading Spicy Novels and I Want to Do Some of the Things That I Read, But I Don't Know How to Tell My Boyfriend.

I'm going to talk about this more from a general talking about sexual fantasies perspective, not just spicy novel induced ones. 

There are some pros and cons to telling a partner a sexual desire of yours. And I'm not usually a pros and cons kind of person.

But I can't give you a definite answer om what to do because it really does depend on so many things. Like who your partner is, what the fantasy is, and what happens if you tell them and it doesn't work out the way you hope. So I’ll give you some pros and cons to think about, and then you can decide what’s best for you and your relationship.

Because I'm a pessimist, we're going to start with the cons. If you tell your partner something about a sexual fantasy and they don't like it, or they think it's gross, or they judge you for it, that kind of reaction could be something that can be hard to come back from. 

Another con could be that your partner feels threatened by your fantasy. If you say that you want to try X, Y, and Z because you've been thinking about it and it turns you on, their reaction may be that they think you’re saying that you’re not happy with your sex life. Or that they’re not pleasing you. Or they’re not good enough. 

Depending on your partner, and depending on your relationship, that might also be hard to move past. 

If that reaction is sounding way too familiar, and you think that there would be a threat to your safety if you told them about your fantasy, then I would highly advise against sharing it!

As a general rule of thumb if the fantasy involves someone very specific, especially someone who is close to either you or your partner, I would really suggest not sharing it. 

I had a student once who talked in class about not being able to understand why their partner got angry when she said that she was having sexual fantasies about one of his fraternity brothers. And not like in a “I want to have a threesome with him kind of way. But more in a “I was thinking about this guy while I was masturbating” way.

I think most of us can understand why that might not have been the best thing to share with her partner. 

If the fantasy is based on something in a book you're reading, your partner might not feel as threatened. But still, if you think their reaction will be bad, or cause the relationship to be unsafe, then I wouldn't tell them. Even if it comes from a book.

Let me give you a scenario that sounds like a pro, but might be a con.

You tell them and they’re excited. Like really excited. Like “let’s try this now” excited. 

And you act out your fantasy. 

And it’s not quite that you hoped it would be. And not in a good way, 

Not only did it not live up to your fantasy, but now you're a bit angry that your fantasy is ruined.

And how do you tell your partner that? Especially when they were so willing to try it out?

So on to the possible pros of telling your partner your sexual fantasy. 

One is that you have this incredibly vulnerable moment with your partner, which can be a great way of getting to know each other on a deeper level.

That kind of emotional intimacy can be helpful in maintaining a long-term relationship (if that’s your goal). 

And there’s the obvious reason to tell your partner your sexual fantasy. 

You tell them, they’re willing to try it, and it’s amazing!

There's a lot to think about here. 

If you’ve never explored fantasies before, you might want to start with something small before you start on the big fantasy. Like general turn ons. 

I would also suggest thinking about why you want to share it. Do you want to actually try it out? Do you just want to talk about it as a way of getting turned on? Do you want your partner to know you on a deeper level? Knowing the answers to these questions will help decide how you want to approach the conversation. 

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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