2 Kids And 15 Years Later, I Really Feel No Sexual Attraction To My Husband. Is There Any Way To Bring Back That Spark?

Yes, there is!

Now I can’t give you a step-by-step instruction manual. What I can do is offer suggestions, and then you can decide what you think might work for you two. And what you might actually be willing to try.

You talk about having no sexual attraction to your husband. Is it just that, or is there also a lack of connection with him?

Some people think those two things are the same, but for some people they're related, but also separate. So some questions for you. First, do you feel like you want to work on them separately or together? And if you want to do one at a time, which one do you want to work on first?

Quick caveat by the way, your husband might not feel the same way about identifying two separate issues. Or about which one to prioritize.

For some people there may be no sexual attraction, but they still feel connected to their partner. They just don't necessarily feel like they're in the mood for sex. Which is what you said in your question.

But for other people it's not only just that there's no sexual attraction, it's that there's no connection at all. They feel like they're roommates rather than a married couple.

For some people, if they can fix the sex piece of it then the connection feels like it follows quickly. But for other people it's really important to rebuild that connection first, and then the sexual attraction piece starts to come back.

So the first thing to do is to figure out if you had to choose one, sexual attraction or reconnection, which you would address first? And again keep in mind your husband might not choose the same thing.

With two kids, and being married, and work, and friends, you can start to feel really overwhelmed. You might start feeling more like hired help, and the cruise director of the family, rather than feeling like yourself as a person. It’s really easy to lose yourself in situations like this.

The feeling overwhelmed, the stress, the fatigue… just all of it, can take a toll on you. It changes how you see yourself as a person, and it can have a huge impact on your marriage.

This may not be a lack of sexual attraction to your husband, this may be that you’re just too damn tired and overwhelmed to feel anything.

Is there a way for the two of you to tackle some of these responsibilities together? Doing that might help you begin to feel more connected.

Is there a way for you and your husband to make it so that each of you gets some time off?

Getting a chance to take a break can help you feel more rested. It can help you to rediscover who you are. Not that being a parent and spouse aren’t important roles, but it’s easy to lose yourself in those and forget what you want. When was the last time you did something you enjoy? Just for the sake of doing it? Do you even know what you would do if you had some time to yourself?

Rediscovering you can be an important step in reconnecting with your spouse.

Another step is reconnecting with your husband as people. Not parents.

You may have already found this suggestion if you’ve been looking online for help with this issue, but I think it’s important to find time to date your husband.

What I mean by that is to deliberately make time to spend with each other. Go out to dinner, but if you can, go somewhere new. Not the same place you always go to. Or add in a stop somewhere fun before or after. And I don’t mean running errands. I mean doing something to help you two remember that this time is about you.

If it makes you feel good to get dressed up, do it! If you think it will help you feel more turned on if your husband dresses up, ask him to do it.

When you’re out on the date, set a time limit for talking about family things. You want this time to be an opportunity to reconnect with this person. You don’t want this to feel like the same old conversation just in a different venue.

If you search online there are a million lists of things to ask someone on a first date. Try asking some of those!

All of this might help some of the sexual spark come back.

I know this may sound a little out of left field to ask when you're asking about sexual attraction to your partner, but I'm curious if you're masturbating. Sometimes when our sex drive tanks a little bit, it does it across the board. So it’s not that we just lose our sexual interest in our partner, but that we also lose all sense of our sex drive.

If you’re comfortable doing so, taking some time to masturbate u can start to reawaken your sexual passion.

In terms of your partner, there are some things you can do to try to rekindle that sexual spark.

If you are masturbating, tell him about it. Ask him about whether or not he’s masturbating. That conversation may be a huge turn on for both of you.

And that conversation can be in person, or by text. Sexting during the day can be a great way of helping to rekindle that lost spark. And for building up the anticipation for what might happen later.

If you don’t know where to start with sexting, you can try using an app. There are apps available for couples where it will ask you individually what you think about different sexual positions or types of sex play. Once you both respond, it will show you what you both said you’re interested in. This can be a great way of not only getting turned on, but also learning new things you can try together.

This is really helpful because if you do rediscover that sexual spark, you don’t want to kill by having unenjoyable sex.

Before I end this, I just realized that I jumped right into an answer without saying something really important. And that’s that this is really normal for couples to experience. I don’t want you thinking that there’s something broken with you or your marriage. Lots of couples go through this, we just don’t always talk about it openly.

 And lots of couples do find a way to reignite that spark! Feel free to reach out to me if you need more ideas, or if you want to tell me which one worked best!

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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