What Do You Do If You Find Yourself Sexually Attracted To Women More Than To Your Husband?

As much as I would love to give you a very direct “here’s what to do” I want to say up front that I won’t do that.

I’ll give you some suggestions, but in the end the decision on what to do is up to you.

With that said the one thing I will suggest you *not* do, is to make any kind of quick decision.

I’m sure you’ve been feeling so many things right now! But let’s see if we can focus in on a couple of specific things. I’m going to put them out as questions. And while you can’t answer me directly, you may find your answers will help you guide your decision.

First question - have you been sexually attracted to people other than your husband at other points in your marriage? Forget about the gender of that person for right now. In many long-term relationships there are times when someone feels a strong sexual attraction for someone other than their partner. This is quite common.

Some people decide to act on their feelings and have an affair. Some people talk about opening up their relationship so that each partner can pursue other sexual interests. And some people would just live with that other person existing in their world as fantasy but never act on it. So if you've been through this before, where you found someone else sexually attractive, I would ask you how you handled it.

Second question – is this the first time you’ve been sexually attracted to someone who isn’t a man? Because if so, I’m sure that’s really challenging your sense of self. And perhaps making you wonder about how you’ve been living your life.

While you go through the process of exploring what being attracted to women means to you, I would encourage you to hold off labeling yourself. I run into this often. Where people suddenly find themselves attracted to a person that doesn’t fit their label for themselves. And they feel like their label for themselves, their identity, is the first thing they need to change. That once they do that, all will be okay.

But it seems like this situation is confusing enough without having to throw in changing an identity that you’ve had for decades. I would give yourself time to explore your feelings. It could be that you’re attracted to both men and women. It could be that you’re attracted to all genders. It could be that while you are generally attracted to men, there’s something about women now that you find appealing.

While I don’t think you need to change how you identify in terms of orientation, that doesn’t mean you can’t explore these feelings. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can chat with people online who’ve gone through the same type of thing. Hearing from others may help you understand your situation a little bit better.

For me, the last question I have is the one that I think is most important. How do you feel about your husband and your marriage? There’s a certain amount of…. I don’t want to call it boredom…. familiarity and routine that comes with many marriages and long-term relationships. Some people find this comforting and enjoy what they’ve built with their partner. But sometimes there’s a longing for something more exciting, or just different.

I’m not saying that that’s what’s happening right now. I absolutely understand that you are confused by the fact that you’re feeling attracted to women when you’ve been married to your husband for more than 20 years.

But I’m wondering if your feelings for women are making you aware of how you currently feel about your husband and your marriage. About the romantic connection between the two of you, and about the sexual connection.

If you feel comfortable doing so, you might want to talk to a therapist about all of this. They can help you dive more into your feelings about yourself, your marriage, and your attraction to women. Whether that attraction is new, or it’s always been there but now that you’ve gone through menopause you’re more ready to think about it.

In the end you need to decide if you are willing to stay in your marriage regardless of your feelings for other women.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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