Why Do Women Lose Sexual Interest After Marriage?

This question makes some really big assumptions!

Let me start by saying that not all women lose sexual interest after marriage. This is one of those cultural myths that just keeps getting repeated.

But for many women their sex drive does change. To understand why means taking a look at the many reasons why this might be happening

For some women, a change in sex drive after getting married may be because of the relationship with their new spouse. What we hear from many married women is that their spouse changes after marriage. The romance seems to decline, their spouse no longer pursues them and so they feel less wanted, less desired. When this happens, it can be easy to lose sexual interest in the relationship. We could talk more about why some people’s romantic behaviors change after marriage but that’s for another post for another day.

One of the reasons why a woman may lose sexual interest after marriage is because of all the demands that come with becoming a “wife.”  Especially if we’re talking about a male/female marriage, the demands and expectations that may come from her partner, her partner’s family, and society in general could feel overwhelming.

There are different expectations for a wife than there are for a girlfriend or a fiancé. Women may not always know ahead of time what these expectations are. And even if they think they know, they may not really understand the complexity and rigidity of these expectations until they’re living with them.

As an example, let me talk about a friend of mine. We’ll call her Mary.

Mary doesn’t cook. It’s been an ongoing joke for most of the time I’ve known her. She’s always been very open about her cooking “skills,” and her now husband was always aware of this. Let’s call hm Bob.

Mary and Bob got married a few years ago and that first winter they decided to host Christmas for the whole family. The assumption about just how much Mary was expected to take on to host the family Christmas was overwhelming. Part of this was because Mary comes from a small family and Bob comes from a large family. His family is one with a lot of tradition, and a lot of traditional gender roles. I think that Mary was a bit unaware of what she was going to be expected to do when they agreed to host.   

The biggest issue for Mary was the food. She was expected to provide a multi-course dinner for somewhere between 15 – 20 people. She planned on ordering the food so that everyone would be happy and have an edible meal. She soon found out that that was “unacceptable” and her in-laws threatened to not come to Christmas. And where was Bob through all this? Nowhere to be seen.

Mary felt completely unsupported by her spouse.

While I know that using a family holiday is a bit of an extreme of an example, the truth is that there are lot of responsibilities that we foist on wives that they weren’t expecting. This can be overwhelming and frustrating. When these responsibilities center around “traditional” gender roles, in the 21st century, this can be even more infuriating. Trying to navigate all of these expectations and negative feelings can have a negative impact on one’s sex drive. Especially if she feels like she’s not supported by her spouse through it all.

And we haven’t even discussed becoming a mother. The physical and emotional exhaustion that comes with being a new mother can have a huge impact on her sex drive.

Then there’s the aging piece. As women age there may be a general decline in their sex drive. Notice I said may be. Not all women experience this. Some women actually report a stable or stronger sex drive as they age and go through menopause. Part of this is that some women report that they start to know themselves better as they age. For others, it’s about the fact that they no longer have to fear pregnancy once they’ve gone through menopause, and some women find that freeing.

So in some situations, the assumption that women lose sexual interest after they marry may be more about the aging process than about being married.

The bottom line is that there are many reasons why a woman’s sex drive may change after she gets married. To understand these changes, we would need to look at all the things that changed for her once she became a wife.

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

Have a question you want answered? Submit it here: https://milsteinhealthconsulting.com/heydrsue