Do Virgins Have To Bleed When They First Have Sex? If Not, Why Are They Expected To?

NO!

No, no, no, no, no.

I get this question so often and I really wish this myth would disappear.

First let’s clarify that this question is talking about female “virgins.” No one that I’ve ever spoken to has ever asked if a male virgin is supposed to bleed.

The myth behind virginity and bleeding is tied to the idea of the hymen breaking during first penetrative vaginal intercourse. I’m being really specific here and not just saying sex because the hymen won’t break from anal sex or oral sex, just vaginal sex.  

Might some people who have vaginas bleed the first time they have vaginal sex? Yes. If they don’t bleed does that mean they weren’t a virgin? No.

Vaginal sex is not the only reason why the hymen can break. You can find out more about that by checking out my article What does “popping the cherry” mean?

The second question is a fascinating one. Over the years I’ve had conversations with anthropologists, sociologists, and historians about this. I’m going to give you my answer as a sex educator.

For many cultures, there is this idea that women should be “pure” meaning that they haven’t had sex with anyone else - a “virgin” (though I hate this term which is why it’s in quotes).

Given that most people don’t know a lot about female anatomy, and since some women do bleed their first time having sex, the myth is that all women should bleed.

And if you live in a culture or society that values “pure” women, they’re expected to bleed.

This is a dangerous myth. In some cultures, if a woman can’t prove that she is a “virgin” she can beaten or killed.

It’s also incredibly sexist, as men aren’t required to prove that they’re pure in any way.

It also promotes this idea that the first time having vaginal sex will be incredibly painful for women, which it doesn’t have to be.

It’d be great if we as a society could talk about the fact that the first time having sex might be uncomfortable, or even humorous, but that it doesn’t have to hurt.

It would be fantastic if we could teach people how to communicate better with our partners so that we could check in and make sure that they’re comfortable, and let them know that we’re comfortable, with what’s happening.

And it would be amazing if we could talk to be people about sex and pleasure, whether it’s their first time doing it or their 100th.

But until  we get there as a society, can we at least start working to kill the myth that women bleed the first time having sex and that it’s desirable that they do?

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

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