Is Oral Sex, Sex?

There’s no one answer to this. And I know this might sound a bit frustrating.

But why? It’s sex! Shouldn’t there be a single definition of it? The answer to that question I can definitely say is no.

Every person has their own definition. Now if you just say the word “sex” many people will default to thinking about penile-vaginal intercourse. But not everyone.

People’s answer to this question will be based on a lot of things. This can include their gender, their sexual orientation, their past experiences, their age, and oftentimes their religious background.

For some people, the answer to the question of what is sex, ties back to procreation. This is because we have a deep history of our sexual values being tied to religion. So for some people, they may believe that any act that cannot result in a baby isn’t sex. But if that’s true then that means that any woman who has gone through menopause can’t have sex. It means that anyone who is sterile, for whatever reason, can’t have sex.

I don’t think most people think about these things when they limit their definition to any act that can lead to procreation.

For some people the idea of what is sex is tied to the idea of “virginity”. (I’m putting that word in quotes because I’m not a huge fan of it). For some people, they may think that “virginity” is tied to sex. So if they engage in any sex play that doesn’t count towards losing their “virginity” than it’s not sex. But again that’s going to differ from person to person.

When people ask me about their “body count” (another word I’m not a fan of) they are usually referring to penile-vaginal sex, but not always.

One of the issues with using sex to include only penile-vaginal is that it’s really limiting. If we use that definition than that means that if you only engage in sex play with someone who has the same body parts as you, then technically you can never have sex.

If we want to be more inclusive when we use this term, then we need to include things like anal sex and oral sex.

Why does this question matter? I’m sure that sociologists and psychologists would have their own answers. But before I was a sexologist I was a health educator, so I’m going to approach this from that perspective.

I don’t really care if you define oral sex as sex or not. What I do care about is whether or not you’re using a barrier to protect yourself from Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) during oral sex. I know we often don’t think about STIs and oral, but you can pass several infections this way. Some of them are bacterial, like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis. Some of them are viral, like herpes, HPV and HIV.

In order to prevent STI transmission you want to make sure you are using some kind of barrier method. If you’re performing oral on a penis, you can use an external condom. I’ve heard educators say that if you’re performing oral on a vulva to use a dental dam. But I find most people don’t have easy access to those. So you can cut an external condom open into a square and use that.

You might want to check out Can You Get Cancer From Eating Butt? and Can People Pass STDs Through Oral Sex? For more information about barrier methods and oral sex.

What also matters to me is how you’re navigating the use of the term sex in your relationships. If you’ve read my posts before, or you’ve been a student of mine, you know just how important I think communication is. I don’t think you always need to use the term sex, but you should talk to your partner about sexual history and STI risk. You should talk to them about what types of sex play you are, and aren’t, comfortable doing.

You should also talk about what constitutes cheating. I’ve seen couples implode because one person was engaging in all sorts of sex play outside their relationship, but because they didn’t have penile-vaginal intercourse they didn’t consider it cheating.

My other concern is whether or not your health care needs are being met. I’ve seen patient intake forms just ask “are you sexually active” but there’s no definition of it. I would hope that your health care provider is having a conversation with you about what you might need from them, no matter what types of sexual activity you’re engaging in.

So at the end of all this, I still don’t have an answer for you. What I would encourage you to do is to think about what the word “sex” means to you, and how that might impact your sexual activity and your relationships.

Until next time, be safe and have fun!

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