Why Are Men Such Assholes From Age 7 – 25?

I'm going to be honest, I almost didn't answer this one. It just felt so incendiary. But since I’ve been recently complaining on my social media about censorship and how my stuff is being pulled down, it felt wrong not to address someone’s question.

But I have to say that I wholly disagree with the basic premise of this question. I don’t think that all men are assholes from 7 – 25.

First of all, in the United States up until 18 they’re still boys, not men.

I think it’s unfair to target kids of any sex  as they go through puberty. These kids are experiencing massive changes to their bodies. There are all sorts of hormones running through them that makes things really confusing. They’re having all these emotions, often at very intense levels. And their bodies are changing in ways that are not only strange for them, but may make them different from their friends. And as many people can remember, middle school was a hard enough time without being seen as different.

And one of the things that kids are supposed to be doing during childhood is testing boundaries and learning about consequences. So yeah, most kids during this time are going to be a challenge. But I don’t think it’s fair to label them, and especially just the boys, as assholes.

Legal adulthood in the United States starts at 18. But we need to keep in mind that while puberty is over for most people, technically they’re still in late adolescence. That’s right, we now talk about 25 as being the end of adolescence. Which means that there’s still a lot of brain development happening.

Combine this with the fact that as a society, we don’t always give boys and men great role models to look up to. Me and others have been talking about this for decades. About how we teach men that they should be “manly” and “tough” and not show emotion, but then we get angry at men when they don't know how to communicate and they don't show emotion. And they don't understand emotional responses in others. How can we ask people to understand something we've never helped them understand for themselves?

And if this “tough” “manly” persona is what you're taught you should be, and you dare to try to break that mold, many times people are going to try to put you back in your place. And not just by other men but also by some women. I’ve seen women in my classroom make fun of men for being in touch with their emotions, and for caring about their partners. And for caring about bigger world issues, including everything from the environment to supporting women’s rights.

To the person who asked this question (and just so you know, I assumed you were female) if you really think that the men in your life are assholes, stop and think about where you think they learned that from. Don’t just blame them for emulating the behavior that they’ve been taught is acceptable.

I think that we as a society have not done a great job in educating boys and men about expected and acceptable behavior. That asshole behavior that was the basis of this question, is often seen in popular media and social media, and is promoted as being normal and acceptable.

Back when X was still Twitter, there was a  tweet going around that I’m going to do my best to summarize. It was along the lines of, if we want men to cook, why aren’t we buying them play kitchens as boys? If we appreciate male professional dancers, why don’t we allow boys to take dance classes, and support them if they do. We make fun of boys and men for sewing and being into fashion, but then spend a lot of money on things produced by male fashion designers.

Are you getting the point here?

We as a society are all responsible for helping teach people what is acceptable behavior. And while we are starting to see some changes in what we see in the media when it comes to men, we also see backlash for men who push those boundaries.

So while I think we’re doing a bit better than we were before when it comes to showing men that it’s okay to break out of that stereotypical manly, asshole, behavior, I think we still have a lot of work to do.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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