How Do I Know If I’m Cisgender?

I want to give a little background on this question, which I can't normally do. This question wasn’t asked through my website, it was asked at a live event that I was doing. Actually to be more specific, it was asked after a live event. And I think the how the question was asked matters. And yes, I was given consent to share this question and experience.

After an event, a young man came up to me looking very worried. He asked if he could speak to me privately for a few minutes.

Now this was for a college age population, so I'm thinking unintended pregnancy, or STI. We stepped away from other people and in a very concerned voice he asked, “how do I know if I'm cisgender?”

For those of you who don’t know what the term cisgender means, let me explain it. Being cisgender means that your genitals match your gender identity. So if you have a penis and you identify as male then technically you’re cisgender male or cis male.

If you have a vulva and you identify as female, then technically you're cisgender female or cis female.

But here's the thing. I'm a really big believer that when it comes to gender identity it should be how you identify your gender, not what definitions you might meet, or how others identify you.

Once I explained the term he looked more than a bit relieved. So I followed up with a couple of questions about how the term came up and why he seemed so worried.

Turns out the reason he was asking was because someone  said something to him, and basically used the term cisgender in a way that made it seem derogatory. Something along the lines of “because you’re nothing but a cisgender man.”  (This seems like a good place to admit that  I was only hearing one side of the story).

I know it’s hard to be anything but binary in a world where binary is sometimes all that’s acknowledged. And I understand it’s sometimes a thousand small cuts in a day. Having to choose either “male” or “
female” on everything from a medical intake form to a basic survey. It’s being referred to as “sir” or “ma’am” when neither is appropriate. It’s all the itty bitty ways our culture reinforces the completely made up binary.

And those are the small things. Discrimination, harassment, and violence are very real threats for non-binary folks. And they’re thing that many cis people never have to think about.

But I think if we want to welcome inclusivity then that means not labeling people. It means allowing them to use a gender identity that feels right for them. And not belittling them because of their gender.

Even if they meet the definition of cisgender.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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