Can “Saving Yourself” For Marriage Cause Sexual Trauma Or Affect Performance After Marriage?

Great question! There’s a lot to this, so let me break it down piece by piece.

Can it be considered sexual trauma to repress your sexual urges and “save yourself” for marriage? The answer is… maybe? Let me explain.

We usually use the phrase “sexual trauma” to refer to the experiences of someone who’s been raped or sexually assaulted.

But trauma is really about how the person who lived through experience feels about the experience.

So if you’re making the decision to save yourself for marriage, and that aligns with your morals and values, and you feel like this is what you want to do, then no, it’s not trauma.

But if it doesn’t align with your values, if it feels like you’re forced to live that way and you have no choice, then yes this can be trauma for you.

If you feel like you’ve been taught that having sexual urges, or engaging in sex play is “dirty” or shameful, then this can lead to trauma later on. And it can also make it difficult to enjoy sex once you are married.

And this brings me to the second part of the question.

If you feel like you’re allowed to do all the things once you’re married, then an issue you will probably face once you become sexually active is not having a lot of experience. But almost all people who are sexually active went through this phase at some point.

Learning what you like sexually will be an important step. This is something you can figure out through masturbation and self-exploration.

Once you learn what you like, find out what your spouse likes and talk about how you can meet each other’s needs. But be warned, this might be harder than it sounds.

If you grew up in a culture that was encouraging you to “save yourself” for marriage, then I’m guessing you never learned to communicate about sex. Or about your own wants and desires.

Truth be told, most Americans never really learn how to do this, since ours is a culture that still views talking about sex as taboo.

There may be a lot of trial and error in learning how to communicate. This can be both frustrating and amusing at times. But If you work at it, you and your spouse can find a way to talk about this using language that works for you. And don’t forget that showing someone what you want can be done without words.

What may be an additional hurdle for someone who was raised in a “save yourself” for marriage environment, are the feelings of shame and guilt. These can be tied to everything related to sex, from engaging in sex, to the desire for sex, to wanting to have better sex. These feelings can arise from simply talking about sex.

These feelings of guilt and shame can cause a traumatic response for you, especially if they’re tied to the feeling of pleasure you get from engaging in sex play.

If you notice that you’re feeling anxious, or angry, or guilty when engaging in sex play, I would encourage you to talk to a mental health professional. Same advice if you notice you’re starting to not feel fully present during sex play, or if you’re avoiding sex with your spouse.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

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