My sexual fantasies disturb me. How can I find someone to speak with?

Let me start by saying that I think it's commendable that you recognize that there are some problems with your fantasies. And that you want to address them.

I’m going to talk about options for how to find a therapist who can help you later on. But in the meantime, there are a few things I want you to think about. I know you might have already done some of this work, but just in case there are others who also have disturbing sexual fantasies, these steps might help them.

Have you thought about what it is about the fantasies that disturbs you? Is it because you think it’s not normal? Does it go against the values or beliefs systems you learned growing up?

I ask because the measurement we use to decide if something is “disturbing” is rooted in what we were taught was “normal” and “acceptable.”

One person I worked with had fantasies that were disturbing for her. They centered around bondage and power play. She truly thought that there was something wrong with her because she had grown up believing that anything remotely kink-related was a sign of mental illness and depravity. Things changed for her simply by talking about the fact that engaging in kink-related activities is not a sign of mental illness. And that fantasies about doing so are actually really common.

It also helped her to realize that having a fantasy about engaging in that type of behavior didn’t mean she actually had to do it in real life. And that’s something to keep in mind about fantasy. It does not need to become your reality if you don’t want to engage in those specific behaviors. It can stay in the fantasy realm.

For another example, I’ve worked with people who were raised in a deeply religious environment. And they would describe their sexual fantasies about people of the same sex as disturbing and disgusting. That was firmly rooted in their belief systems, and it took them some time to really understand that. And some time to accept that not everyone views same sex fantasies as disturbing. It’s actually quite the opposite. Many people think those types of fantasies as normal. And some find them downright erotic!

And that gets me into the hatred part of your question. Is it a self-hatred? A hatred towards a specific group of people? For the people having same sex fantasies there was a lot of hatred expressed towards men who have sex with men. And there was a lot of internalized homophobia.

There are a lot of layers to this. And I don’t think you have to figure it all out on your own. But it may help you to understand what's going on better if you have a grasp on why you find the fantasies disturbing and who the hatred is directed to.

Moving forward I would recommend that you work with a mental health professional. I know you say you’ve tried this before. But it is possible for people to become mental health professionals in the United States and to have absolutely no training in sex related issues. So I think you need to find someone who has training in this area.

I suggest you check out the AASECT website. AASECT is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. This is a link to their “Locate a professional” page https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory If you’re not based in the US you can use this page to find AASECT certified counselors and therapists in other countries.

Use this page to start your vetting process. Just because they have a background in sex doesn’t mean they’ll be a good fit for you.

I think people forget that the first health care professional you work with may not be a good fit for you And this isn’t just mental health. I say this about all aspects of health care.

I truly believe that your health care should be a shared decision making process with your health care team (though I know this doesn’t always happen). That means that if you don’t think someone is a good match for you, that it’s okay for you to try and find someone who will be a better fit.

And for the record, if you experience flirtation from a therapist, that is not okay! Regardless if it was cringe worthy or not.

I wish you the best of luck finding someone who is a good fit for you. If you need more help, just let me know.

Until next time, be safe, and have fun!

Have a sex question you want answered? Submit it here: https://milsteinhealthconsulting.com/heydrsue